Work in Progress 

FADE IN

INT (SCENE 1)

Jesca is dressed in blue baggy shorts and men white vest, listening to Spice girls’ “Wanna Be” singing and dancing along off beat. It’s a two bed roomed apartment in the suburbs of Kampala in early 2017.

VOICE OVER: (For no reason whatsoever, assume it is in Sofia Vergara’s  voice) That is me, Jesca without an I, everybody calls me Jess with a double S. I spend my afternoons the best way anyone single and un employed can. Lip singing to old school music.  I graduated from university last year. Degree in Human Resource management – Total waste!! I stay with my forever best friend Sandie, she works at KASSI Studio – some big time recording studio. I go there sometimes to sit in for her when she skips work, honestly I don’t think her bosses can tell the difference. But not today or ever again. I’m Focusing on me now, first on the to do list – Get a Job.

There’s a knock on the door, Jess half choreographs to open. It’s the landlord. A middle aged Moslem man with a mind stuck in his early 20’s.

Jess: “Hey, landlord! Happy New Year!” She feigns excitement. She knows exactly why he’s here.

Landlord: “I’m sure it’ll be, after you clear the rent for this month, you know you have to pay before the month starts” He says sternly

Jess: “Yes, of course I know we are late but please just give us until the end of this week.” Things have not been going well for the girls financially.

Landlord: “From what I see, you have two options. Get a boyfriend or get a job, actually when you think about it, it’s just one option. Get a boyfriend … I’m currently open for business you know…we can make an arrangement and we shall never have such uncomfortable conversations again.”

Jess: “I hardly think the two are synonymous but I promise, one week and we shall clear” She gives him the innocent pleading look.

Landlord: “One week, or you’re property is on the street”

Jess: “I understand, thank you, you’re the best landlord ever!”

Landlord: “My offer is still on the table, If you change your mind” Wink

Jess: “Understood” She hurries to shut the door and wipe that visibly fake smile off her face, sighing in wonder on what to do next.

VOICE OVER: (Again, for absolutely no reason, assume it’s Sofia Vergara’s voice) No, I don’t understand. Why does life have to be this complicated? Nobody prepares you for this shit, being a grown up most definitely isn’t as fancy as the grownups make it look. I miss the days when all I worried about was whether my boots matched my top or if I had Chris Brown’s latest album on my playlist? 

Jess throws herself on the couch with a deep sigh.

Jess: “I need to get me a job”

She spends the rest of the afternoon calling up family and friends for any job opportunities, places she did her internships formerly, browsing the net and drafting the C.V ready to hit the streets job hunting. In the evening she receives a call from Sandie.

On Phone:

Sandie: “Hey Girlfriend” With her sing song annoyingly always happy voice

Jess: “Hey what’s up?”

Sandie: “Are you free this evening? Rhetorical question. Of course you are. There’s this new hang out opening in town and we are going. Get ready, I’ll pick you up in 30. You’re coming, Right?”

Jess: “That rhetorical too??”

Sandie: “Erghhhh (buzz sound).. Wrong answer. Last chance”

Jess: Rolling eyes conceding “I’ll be ready.”

Sandie: “That’s my girl! See you in a few. Later”

For an ordinary girl, 30 minutes aren’t enough to get ready for an evening out, not Jess. A 5 minute shower, simple plain black dress, similarly dull colored pumps, the standard red cheap lipstick and she’s good to go. Sandie is however here earlier than agreed time and with one analytical sweep over her, she shakes her head. Okay look, Jess is clearly not the type that over thinks her outside appearance in any way other than just that-appearance. Sandie on the other hand is a girly girl, in other words outside appearance is a weapon-of Mass Attraction.

Sandie: “Girlfriend, we are going out, to a new classy hang out opening on a Thursday night” She dramatically pauses

Jess: “Is that supposed to mean something to me?” She asks, confused.

Sandie: “Classy, young, good looking…scratch that—extremely good looking rich guys go out on Thursday. Why? Because it’s less crowded and they don’t have to worry about getting to work early tomorrow. Why? Because they’re the bosses or better yet self employed.” She looks at Jess self assuredly

Jess: “Again. Is that supposed to mean something to me?” Jess is obviously clueless

Sandie: “Two words my friend, two words. Potential investors”

Jess: “You mean boyfriends?”

Sandie: “That’s exactly what I said. Pay attention.”

Jess: “That isn’t what you….” She trails off because Sandie won’t stop talking until she makes her point.

Sandie: “So, my naïve friend, No look Irresistible-No get Investor. (In her un inspired fake Italian accent) Now, go put on something revealing”

Jess: “Sandie, we both know I have no such thing”

Sandie: “Right! I have just the thing. Come on, you’ll look amazing in it”

VOICE OVER: (You know the drill) Oh No! Not her dresses. Clearly she’s the opposite of me. That slim, sexy exotic look which btw happens naturally! I swear, this girl has never exercised in her life (well, sex not counted). Lucky Bitch! 

Sandie helps her pick out a dress that represents the two of them, seductively revealing an innocent sweet decent way. This from Jess’s point of view is extremely the early 90’s.

… To be continued 😊😊😊

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8:30

Now, i know you’re not the kind that expresses emotion in the least humanly way possible. And i will never pretend to understand why?

There’s a certain allure that surrounds you (ignoring the perfect magnetic analogy) I just want to be your best friend. I want to get you, like you get me.

Bae and I 

I have no reasonable reason why I do this but so do you sometimes so let’s not rush to judge my very shallow incompetent failed attempt to gain whatever my mush mind assumes to gain out of this, I just do it.  Anyway, the other day I realized bae and I had gone a good two weeks without a fight and like any normal girl, I took it upon myself to fix the situation.

So I was like “Hey, didn’t we agree to re watch Sin City together today?” he’d completely forgotten, so I knew I had him right? But not so much, he’s a smart ass, so he goes like “wait that was today? I thought it was supposed to be tomorrow!” I’m thinking, he’s kidding! How could it possibly be tomorrow? We literally talked about it today morning. I held my arms akimbo! He hates when I do that, so he started explaining himself. “babe, I can’t today, I have a game!” Wait, what? When did that happen? This wasn’t going the way I visualized it. But I didn’t want to play the ‘You choosing a game over me’ Card, Again! I know when to surrender, but this was still my fight. “I won’t be available again till mid next week!” I lied, It worked. He went into a frenzy about how I been working a lot lately, how he hardly sees me anymore, questioning  my commitment to ‘us’ (Yeah, rich coming from a guy choosing a game over ‘us’ hanging—okay this is kind of still eating me up) “what are you talking about? I text you all the time, it’s like I’m right there with you” I mocked him but he seemed oblivious, he was now asking why I spend a lot of time with Mercy? I don’t blame him, I kind of do. But at least it’s not Josh or Paul; I know not to push my limits with this one, a narcissistic ego maniac jerk finally learning to love selflessly. I dare not walk on egg shells with stilettos. “You can’t keep doing this!” He said with a faint defeat and begging eyes. I wanted to hug him and confess, But Nuh, This couldn’t be it, I hadn’t floated enough in his insecurity, I had to pull the strings a little more. “I don’t have control over this. I have like a dozen bosses” He gives up! “Fine, I already re watched your dumb movie anyway!” No way!! I was internally throwing tantrums “Babe, I don’t think you understand the concept of Movie date” I prompted.  He’s like “I’m not the one always busy with work and other friends” Seriously, move on! “I was here all alone on Saturday and I watched it, maybe if you were here, we wouldn’t be having this conversation” O great! Guilt trapping…Classic. I eye balled him.  Like what are you doing? I invented that game! This would be funnier if it was a sitcom. He at this point seems genuinely disturbed, it’s a good look on him, like it when he’s mad or at least R. City seems to believe, The ‘it’ though leaves room for every kind of interpretation and my imagination is nasty. I started to wonder off, “Sandie, are you even listening to me? You and me have to…” I couldn’t help it “You and I” He’s like “what?” I repeated “You and I, not you and Me”, Okay now he was angry “That is what you picked out all this time I’ve been talking? Woman where are your priorities? Wooaahhhh! Deep! I had to dig my way out before I got buried alive. Instantly. “I re watched Sin City too already, Monday” He stared blankly at me. I never wanted to hear him say something, anything to me more. I got nervous so I kept talking, explaining how I missed Manic Monday and how I was probably throwing this way out of proportion only to be cut short “Oh My God, you drive me crazy!” Stupid me thinks humor solves every problem “Finally, You said that out of the bedroom” He looked at me with a mixture of pride and resentment (I preferred to lean more towards the proud part) —I would be lying if I didn’t say that was enough to break my cold heart. “This was one of your fake fights, wasn’t it?” I was ready to pay, and I did. All weekend! (
Imaginative writing is fun. Lol!

The mini rush of excitement and fear that washes over me when you hold my hand un continuously. That lingering moment that seems to last forever as you take me in like you’re looking at me for the very first time. The visible internal conflict when you open you’re mouth to say something but mentally rule it out like you’re too stunned to make up complete sentences.

I see it in your eyes. The gratitude, contentment. The way they become a shade darker with need, like you could never have enough. They communicate the unspoken thing, they plead with me, they command me, they compel the last strand of self control out of me. I hardly think I have a choice in this fight.

Too quiet a moment. Floating in the sensational effect of your finger tips. Sensitive best a description. Heights. The slow torture under the barrier that is my own skin. Utterly and irrevocably revolted by an instict that controls me, so alien I hear me say words, begging. But for what?

Why I don’t give a Fuck No more. 

Worrying about why I’m worrying in the first place, because what’s to worry about if my approach to life itself was a meager assumption that it’s a game with no rules. I should probably not micro analyze concepts like this because it’s not even a means to an end. Or an end to a prior scenario, or the scenario itself. Or not. No one knows really.

Living on own assumption might seem risky but so is everything else. One foot in first, we taste the waters before fully committing, but what’s the point of it all if you always come back to that same block you can’t seem to shake? The invisible wall you can’t figure out whether it’s for protection or a barrier.

Unclear signals, encrypted signs, hard core dos and donts. All made up by who? And who said we had to justify their crazy ideas with baseless explanations. There are a lot of questions that arise over time, but no answers and this goes on and on until we stop asking the questions or entertaining the idea that we actually do not understand the half of why we do quarter the things we do.

It doesn’t matter. All you can do is live the best way you can.

Step 3

Living in a bubble. Since when has man’s honesty become his richer virtue? Deceit seems to be the only good thing going in all situations irrelevant. Creating an alternate reality that befits one’s fantasy Irrespective of the other parties involved. Why Preach about Fresh starts, honesty and faithfulness as a prevention measure? If you can’t practice what you Preach, what’s the point anyway?

I’d like to think people change. For the better. Or they probably change to feed their own hunger, to feed their own insanity to a none existent haven. The easy target a pawn to satisfy the shallow need they didn’t know existed.

Decisions we make right now set in motion a series of actions that in turn… Well, you get the drill. So what does it say about an averagely intellectual being who makes the same Damn mistake over and over? Human? Isn’t that like saying humans are naturally dumb? Insult or observation.

It’s the small details that rip you to shreds and strip you naked. That leaves you questioning every decision you’ve been taking and are yet to take. A love that consumes you or the comfort of your sheltering walls.?

A love that makes you different, that changes you, that makes you better, that makes you believe, that makes you feel special and valued, that is a home, a Haven, a dream finally come true.–Until you realize honesty wasn’t a virtue after all. And this dream wasn’t yet to be true, it was all an illusion of fantasy manipulated to yet another coy.

Sheltering walls it is then. Because you can’t get hurt again, or that’ll be the death of you.

Still Not Good Enough 

Five years. Five good long years of emotional damage, recovery, and more damage. The realization that it’s supposedly not a long enough time to have an impact on the small things that act as a pivot for everything we believe in, choose to believe in.

This time, it’s the right choice, but I thought the same the last two times. Stupidity has its limits as well. Feeling confident – not so much, because I suddenly feel like a pawn one more time in someone’s sick game that I’d rather not be apart of.

Third time’s the charm. Or not. Should I sit on my hands and play this out like a faithful bitch? There’s no security, not anymore. The words all float away like they didn’t mean anything at all to start with, which is probably true. When does this stop?

Why do I keep making the wrong choices?

Why am I still not good enough?

Step 2

It’s more than the occasional beeping that wakes our consciousness to the true meaning of why we were actually created, or why we think we were, more less the same a reason for not minding at all for the said. Confusion coated with self loathing creates a monster unknown to standards of morality. Because why bother with morality when the options leave room for discussion?

Many a day we wake and go by like tomorrow is a guarantee we’ve been given, impulse decision over badly thought through responses to equally unrealistic demands and pressures from a new created belief in a bogus understanding of personal space. Because then who’d dare infect your perfect little meaningless life with their equally imperfect one?

Stressing about the intro, but the out door unwelcome to any other than niches of beings with the same level of understanding about the whole concept of life -zero. They know what you know – that which you never got to know but falsely referenced like you are part of Sean’s crew. Because who needs common sense anyway?

So what’s plan A? Mostly unrealistic in all ways Rick and Morty. So let’s skip to plan K for by now you’ve been humbled to work with what you have. Climb down from your high horse and live life meaningfully. Because none of all the above questions matter if it ain’t from self conviction.

Step 1

Forfeiting that which makes us the better species for exclusive random moments of self satisfaction has in our most animalistic understanding never been an issue. Irrespective of what the third party elevates, self actualization is everyone’s non basic – basic need. Soon, a greed greater than fundamental values manipulates us to walk right over the edge and hope that our step stones hold out hands to pull us back.

Stale jokes on pretend smiles. Exchange of a hidden dislike of the opposite character. Like it should matter to other parties. Feeling used for doing just the same because let’s face it… Who can joke while staring down the barrow? The one most important resource in life- Time. Yet we seem to waste away on meaningless ventures.

Normally a blue sky could put a smile on your face. But here you are internally taking sides where unnecessary on shit that no longer makes sense to anyone but your self. At the verge of insanity you linger contemplating life decisions on basic steps to narcissism. All wrong. Standing back to have a good look at the choices you have costs nothing more than a functioning mind.

Use it.

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